Content warning: This post directly addresses suicide Originally published in 2009 as a column, but it's history is deeper. Having experienced suicide as a survivor, I will try reach our to families when I hear of a suicide in our circle of friend or extended circle of acquaintances. Knowing the complexity of the immediate aftermath... Continue reading→

Part of the ancient human instinct for survival is to not show weakness or fear. It’s a defense against predators, to appear strong in all ways, to increase the chance of survival by fooling predators into thinking that you are stronger than you really are, hoping the predators choose weaker appearing victims. This process likely... Continue reading→

With a technician’s spirit, and once I had modelled my soul (see: https://distillinggrief.com/2023/04/24/a-model-of-a-soul/ ) as an invisible reservoir where we store and release love, I realized that grief had emptied me of most or perhaps all of the love in my soul. We often hear people describe grief as a dark place, and the loss... Continue reading→

Among emotions, grief is one of the most complex and unpredictable. Because grief is fundamentally love that has suddenly been injured and unilaterally redefined, grief is almost completely unpredictable when viewed by others. In the next few posts I will present my explanatory model for how we collect, process and share love, a model of... Continue reading→

Anger is a cancer of the human soul that consumes love. Anger is natural first response in early grief, and anger can become a habit or a crutch, so anger should be your early primary focus in healing grief. The process I will outline here is applicable outside of grief and works whenever you have... Continue reading→

I am in it now, a fitting season. I have, for the past 18 years had a natural annual period of introspection that begins on March 22, which is our son James’ birthday, and ends sometime soon after June 6, which is the day that James died in 2005 at age twenty. I am different... Continue reading→

Long before I came to experience and better understand grief, I came to this, my personal understanding of how to make major and minor decisions, or confront situations in life: In the end, you have only three choices: Ignore, Change, or Accept. As a father, this was part of what came to be called Dadvice.... Continue reading→

Please read this first distillation of grief one line at a time, pausing to close your eyes, to seek understanding of the personal meaning of that line within your current feelings. At any point in grief or just on daily life, revisit this first page and refresh your understanding. This is the most simplistic form... Continue reading→

You don't need to be grieving to come to blogs, websites and books about grief. Often people will come to places like this because the they want to help others who are grieving. Getting some basic understanding of grief as a normal and unavoidable part of daily life will make your life seem easier, The... Continue reading→

I always ask people who are grieving: “How would they want you to grieve the loss of them?” Your loved one loved you. I am confident that they would wish you a grief with as little pain and as few sad days as reasonably possible. They would want you to focus on their life remembering... Continue reading→